30 days

It was 1:20 am on Friday morning when I got the notification that I reached my 30 days sober. wow, that was fast. The reality is, for someone chronically ill, my life quickly became built around my next “fix”. Eventually, this affected my day to day, ultimately culminating when I was forced to wonder if it was making me worse.  As a loyal patient of Dr. Google, I convinced myself I had cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome.  Nausea? Check. Vomiting? Check. Chills and sweats? Check. However, In all truth, I believe my recent stomach flare-up may have been caused by intense stress mixed with a glass or two of wine.  Yeah yeah I know, “you had to know that wouldn’t help??” No, it wasn’t the best idea. But amongst horrible health anxiety, general depression, and invisible illnesses…I just wanted to feel like a normal 24-year-old on a Saturday night. So much for that. Fuggedabouhdit. 


30 days. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t ingesting thc in some form, for more than even a week. The journey has been isolating, frustrating, and liberating. I swear, dropping MJ makes me feel like I defrosted my brain. I have a fluidity to my speech and thoughts, less sluggishness, and a better sense of presence I hadn’t felt in years. Cognitive power on level neo. At the same time, I had major agitation, a 24/7 waterworks show, and no way to deal with my anxiety. Seriously, I never thought I’d be the person using breathing apps, but here I am. Inhale, hold, exhale. repeat 7 times. My truth is that MJ has been much more of a crutch for me than I would care to recognize. It gave me an outlet to forget about the abundance of problems tormenting my mind; moments “away” from the life that has recently been particularly unfruitful and a complete devastation. Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be depressing. Hopefully, it was just pathetic. 



Almost an entire month, without my beloved MJ. One of the hardest breakups ever. I’ll hear certain songs that remind me of her, food that we would eat together, or shows that I would always rather watch with her. But like any breakup, it got easier with time… and I slowly thought of her less and less. But she echos in my mind, and in some moments I’ll pause and forget that we ever stopped. The excitement of anticipatory relief floods me until I remember that’s a no-go. Day to day, moments happen that have me bout’ ready to cave in and get back together. But then I remember I wouldn’t get cool notifications anymore from Sobertime, so I don't. Inhale, hold, exhale.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I started a blog

Image
I have always been a bit of an oversharer, and honestly, this seemed like the most patient platform for my thoughts. After exploring the intriguingly dark depths of Reddit, I've deduced that it mostly is for people who actively need help, or are giving it. Whereas I'm just a complainer, or sharer of random and eclipsing thoughts. But I'm also an appreciator of others' random and eclipsing thoughts, which is why I'm here. I'm a giver and a taker. I'll start by telling you a little bit about me. Everything went south when I was on my 8th-grade trip to Washington DC. In the cold weather, I noticed my fingers had turned white and went numb. Hmm... that's new. I hadn't given it another thought until four years later when a whole crock of shit hit the fan. Random red splotches covered my chest, bloodshot eyes, firey joints, and constant fatigue. Using what looked like a mini cookie cutter to take a sample from my leg, doctors determined that I have Sjögren...
Read more

February.

Image
Okay, so, who wants to be the one to hand me the award for most guilty-feeling selfish person? Seriously, I’ll wait. With my 95-year-old grandfather on hospice, consuming the entirety of my family, the last thing I really need to be doing is having any spotlight on me. But boy, does my matrix know when to fuck with me. It was Monday, February 10th when everything went wrong. Not only was my grandfather critically admitted into the ICU, but my irrefutably tumultuous relationship with Mary Jane became undeniable. As my stomach burned like the depths of hell, I knew that Me and MJ, needed to break up. I always thought of myself more as a Peter Parker, that in EVERY universe I was meant to be with MJ. I guess that’s not really the case… but god I wish it was. THC was the delicious-tasting fuzzy bandaid that magically made my everyday illnesses livable. So you can imagine that deciding to split up didn’t go the most amicably. MJ is the ex that makes you want to keep coming back. The ex that...
Read more

You Are What You Eat- Horribly Depressing?

Image
Let me begin with the basics, I guess. I have an autoimmune condition, that beautifully graced me with a paralyzed stomach in recent years. I’ve had to bid farewell to my delicious diet before, back in 2021 when I first got really sick...But man, does it suck way worse the second time around. Other than that, this is the only other horrible flare. 20 pounds down in one month is the dream of a lot of people- me included- but not like this. The gym is one thing, but starvation? I mean, be a little bit more creative! That’s just downright boring. Sorry, cynical humor has helped me cope. I’m on the, “why bother eating?” Diet: no fat, no dairy, no gluten, no vegetables, no fat, no fiber, no raw fruit, no grease, no sugar, no spice. I mean… that isn’t even all of it. I don’t recognize this person- the person who eats to live….I live to eat!! Or at least I used to. It’s like a weird confusing dream that I can’t seem to snap myself out of. “What do you mean I can’t have a Crunchwrap from Taco ...
Read more